i blame you for this. for this bout of insecurity. for the paranoia that envelops me. i had escaped these feelings for so long. and now… now they are back, taunting me, proving to me that maybe they never really left. that they were hidden deep inside me, waiting for the chance to make themselves known. you broke my trust, in a very insignificant way compared to those who came before you. but no matter how, no matter the degree… you still broke it. and broken trust is hard to fix. now with every move you make, every word you say or dont say, causes me to think twice. rises up a small but furious panic inside me. i am left to wonder endlessly, to re evaluate everything about you. i jumped off a ledge for you, and i was falling so effortlessly, so gracefully, with no fear about what i would face at the bottom. with so much trust and love and desire for nothing else but you, that in my naive stupidity i decided to leave my parachute behind. and now it seems what once was a conscious decision made in hope, has turned into a fatal mistake. one i can not take back, one i can not simply rectify. i am left to fall into the depths of worry, and doubt. i feel as if i am scrambling to hold onto something, anything. my hands reaching ferociously for a branch or a ledge i can grasp to save myself. maybe i should blame myself for this. was it wrong of me to see something different, something i had never seen before, in your eyes. was it careless to expose myself in such a raw way. my mind says no, that after much careful consideration we decided you would be the best thing for me as of yet. that this moment with you was fleeting and i needed to take my chance while i still had it. but my heart… my heart screams at me. screaming so loud, yes, yes, this is all your fault. how could you do this to us once again. how could you allow him to have such control over me. i was barely healed, i was barely beating on my own, and you handed me over. i had no choice in the matter and i blame you for this, my heart says. i cant take my heart back. i can never get back the pieces i gave to you, the small and bruised pieces i gave to you so willingly. nor do i honestly want to. i want so badly for this to be fixed, and i know that i am the one keeping myself hostage, i am withholding myself from you because i have become so frightened of what Might be. the possibilities stream endlessly through my head. i am becoming my own demise. one little crack, one small untruth has began unraveling before me. thats all it took. it has placed me back where i was years ago, and again my heart whispers to me, it whispers to me do not fool us again. so what am i to do.
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