do you ever get homesick.
like i mean really really homesick.
dont get me wrong… i love T. and i love being around him, and with him. falling asleep next to him, waking up next to him.
but sometimes, i get really really homesick.
and its not really homesick for my family or anything
its homesick for my room.
does that even make sense?
usually it doesnt bother me too much
but some days…. it feels like the memory pains every part of me.
i think after B. and i broke up, i just became this really solitary person. well, the last like year and a half of our relationship i spent most of my time alone. so i guess i just got used to it. even when we were together, in the same house… i was alone. even when we were together, in the same bed… i felt alone.
and then when i moved back, i Was alone. and during the beginning of mine and T’s relationship i was still alone when i wasnt out with him.
and i think i just got really really used to it. and its almost like i dont know how to not be alone anymore half the time.
it makes me feel so guilty too.
i want to get a house with him, i love the thought, i cant wait.
but at the same time… theres a small voice in the back of my head just wanting to run.
im not saying break up
im just saying… distance i guess?
i dont know.
theres so much in my head i just honestly cant sort through it all.
and now im in this funk. this depressive episode. this state. this way. and i cant get out.
my limbs feel heavy. its hard to move.
and my feet drag.
my mind cant find a balance between fast and slow.
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