choke.

so here i am again, drinking…. sigh… i thought i could be done with this shit. but yet again, im upset, im anxious, im sad, and therefore i run to it. feels so good in my hands, against my mouth, my lips, my tongue… running down my throat, into my belly. feeling it stream through my veins, my body. the numbness takes over. i wish i had pills, no calories there. i feel fat again. if i could just not hang out with anyone for a week i could lose some major weight, but being with people means eating with people and fuck i hate that part. and love, what is love. i cant stand this… this feeling of closeness. it crawls inside my skin and i want nothing more than to be rid of it. it makes me sick, physically ill. i dont want to be vunerable…. i hate that i am. why must i be vunerable. attatched. emotion driven. and i bear no title. so it all means nothing. and it has done me no good in the past to be that way. i have been so betrayed by those feelings, that feeling them again is making me want to vomit my own insides out. get it out.

round and alone i swim, in what i feel is real
bending my every emotion, i fake it all too well.
no memory will rest inside that hate left unspoken
cased inside a small a child, afraid to be broken.

and im choking on all you make me feel

time to get fucked up, ladies and gentlemen.

sometimes its so hard being happy for other people. i just watched 2 of my friends get married, a few are having babies right now, and i just set up my friend with my other friend. i honestly didnt think that last one would bother me at all, i knew theyd get along, i knew itd work out. and yet now that it has its all i can to sit here and not cry.

maybe i do want to love and be loved after all…

underneath this steel force there lies a girl… simply wanting and needing what every other person in the world does as well…

i am human… and i need to be loved.

You know what the problem is with you? Why I dont answer, why I have decided to seriously ignore you from now on. You dont get it. You have no clue what love is, or how to love, or even how to be loved. Love is support… and thats something you dont realize, never have, and I doubt ever will. You want me to fix all these things in my life that you think need to be fixed, and while I may agree with some of those things, you just leave me out here without a paddle in a boat built for two and expect me to solve it all myself. Because its My life, I should be able to do it on My own, its not Your job to fix Me. And you are right… it isnt your job, nor do I want you to, or expect you to. But something I do expect… is your support. Your driving force behind me. So much negativity, so much distance. All I want is to know your behind me. To feel the weight of you behind me, so I know that if I fall… which I do… that I have you to fall back on.

The hugest difference? Thats it. Never have I met anyone who… treats me this way… supports me, is there for me, tells me I Can do this, I Need to do it, and they wont let me lose sight of any of these things I want. They dont do it for me, theres no babying in this process, theres no handholding, or anything like that. Its mere support. Its the little push that I think almost everyone needs. The confidence, that sometimes you cant pull out of yourself. Sometimes you need someone else to remind you that you’re alright, things are alright, and that you Will be okay and Will do this.

I love that some people in my life have offered this to me. Its weird… to feel that feeling. To not be told, you Have to do this, get it right, grow up and do things yourself, and Then… Then I will have you, or accept you. To be accepted for everything I am, and more importantly, everything I’m Not. And the funny thing is… that little bit of confidence that they have bestowed on me, the pushing and the “you can and will do this”, the ” I will always be here to help you remember what your working for “, the ” I’m not going to let you give up “…. have made me go so much farther in the last year than I have in the last 4… or even the last 22 years. So many people have pushed me down, have told me I cant, or I wont, or to figure it out on my own… I didnt know how to do it on my own. Well I guess thats not true. I do know how to, but my confidence is so… small. And having that built up by the greatness of people around me, has done wonders for my motivation to succeed, to strive to get what I want, to make myself better because not only do I know I can be a better person, the people around me know I can and want me to go as far as I can go. And they help make me a better person.

So the drinking has… gotten a little bit out of control again. Ive made some mistakes, had some nights that I wish I didnt remember, and nights that I honestly… dont remember. Sigh…. but I have realized that Ive let it start slipping. AA is where I think I am headed again at the moment. I honestly can admit that yes, I have an issue with alcohol. Once I start, one shot, and thats it, game over. I just cant stop. So it becomes shot, after shot, after shot, after shot….. Until I wake up the next morning feeling like utter shit and wondering what the fuck happened the night before. Hearing stories that are pretty embarrassing to say the least, and feeling guilty for acting that way. I think I was good until things just got too hard to handle again. Not really an excuse, but facts are facts, thats what happened. I just feel so stuck right now, stagnant, like I am not going anywhere in my life at the moment. I had to leave school because of this stupid Heart problem and Cancer bullshit… My job let me go because I was in and out of the hospital so much. So I just started partying away because I had no motivation for much else. But now, with the help of someone, I have a plan B. It really blows, I am not going to lie, that I have to put Diagnostic Ultrasound on the backburner for the moment… I shed a lot of tears when I realized that last week. It really is my dream… Its what I want more than anything right now. To get my AA, to go to SU and get my bachelors, to eat, breathe, sleep, and live Diagnostics. I love it. But this starting and stopping school, being stuck at my parents house who dont want me here, and going around in circles almost, just is making things worse. So, for now, its on the shelf. BUT… I WILL come back to it. Someone has made me realize that, and made certain that it Will happen, no matter what. I will do it someday… hopefully soon. So for now I am starting school to become a Dental Assistant. Its quick, easier, and school is very flexible so if I need to stop for my health I can and will be able to come back exactly where I left off. The job is a really good one too, great pay, flexibility, great health insurance, which is something I definatly can not live without. So I figure, get done with school in 6 months-9 months, get a job where I extern, work for a year and save money so I can move out and make my loan payments. Hopefully by then all this bullshit will be figured out. I am meeting my new oncologist in August and thinking I will schedule my hyseterectomy in late September, early October. 4 weeks recovery for that and back to school to finish up. Sigh… in writing everything seems so easy… but I know better. Writing doesnt mean it will happen that way. I really hope it does though.

Sigh alright, done for now.

Feeling a little better….

Dont ask for an easier life, ask for the strength to get through the one you have

I fall into you….

Something always brings me back to you… and it never takes too long. No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here til the I’m gone. You hold me without touch, you keep me without chains, I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain. You love me because I’m fragile, when I thought all along that I was strong. But you touch me even once and all my fragile strength is gone…. I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on the ground. But you’re neither friend, nor foe, though I cant seem to let you go… The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down, you’re keeping me down… you’re on to me and all over me.

Set me free, leave me be, I dont want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am, and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.

But you’re on to me and all over me. Something always brings me back to you… and it never takes too long.

unhappiness.

i am so incredibaly unhappy…

all i can think about is you, for the past few days. i have left town, i have turned off my phone, havent talked to a soul… i eat, sleep, breathe you. i feel your touch on me, i lay in this bed and feel your body weight in it, i see your eyes, deep and drawing into mine.

the truth is, i could find someone else. there are many men who want me, who have been vying for my affection, proposals right and left… its almost ridiculous. but… i want none of it. i am not in love with any of them, and i couldnt fall in love with them. i feel that in my heart. i could probably love some of them, and do love some of them i guess… but in the way you love someone in your life who has contributed something. but, im not in love with any of them. and im not sure if i will ever feel a love that i did with you with anyone else, no matter how hard i might try. the passion, the intensity, the craving, the want and need for you, the feeling of not being able to breathe without your presence and the experience of my heart being so full it wants to explode when you are around. i still feel it. it lingers in my heart. almost as if my heart doesnt want to forget it, no matter what my mind says otherwise. i shallowly put it out of my mind, but it lingers, and when i least expect it, comes to the surface, boiling over. i feel as if i would do anything, give up anything, just to occupy one sole minute of your day. so you probably wonder why i pushed you away then… because you hurt me so bad sometimes, and in my mind i Know you are no good for me…. not emotionally anyways… but try explaining that to my heart. it doesnt seem to get the message.

you are my mr. big and im your carrie.

and you and i are like the red wall. amazing in theory, full of passion and romance, sparks and intensity. but it never quite seems to work….

and i imagine my new house with that big red wall every day i walk through it. but i know the moment i put up that coat of paint… itd be too much.

how i wish it wouldnt though.

god brian. i miss you more than you will ever ever know. ever. you probably think i dont love you anymore, what with me not answering your calls or texts, but after your little stunt when you pulled away from me yet again, said you had to leave, couldnt bear to hurt me again, i withdrew. the probem isnt that i dont love you, its that i love you way too much i guess. i know you will never read this, i wish i could say it to you, or write you, or something else, but intiating contact seems… stupid now. i feel, like a silly girl. ive picked up the phone to call you a thousand times over the last few days… but for what… all i fear is your rejection again.

but just know that… i dream of you… and only you… my heart aches horribly every day… my tears havent dried up… and how i wish i could just jump on a plane and it would all be amazing.

sigh.

im so unhappy, and i have no idea how to fix it, ive tried over the past year and still… i think i had fooled myself into believing i was happier. because i feel raw, and exposed now, naked to myself. and i see it. unhappiness, written all over my face.

Ode To My True Love.

You do this every fucking time to me… and I just let you. Its my fault, I’m an idiot, I want to believe in you so bad because for some reason you have this hold on my heart. But no more… I cant let you. I’m already at the point where my life is nothing that I want but I try, I try to hold my head up, I try to make the best of it. And you… you come in and you have this radar that knows when I’m doing better and you just have to shit all over me. You say you feel horrible, so unhappy, miserable, to the point where your life means nothing… well maybe no you can get a glimpse into how I feel…. how I have felt for a year…. and you didnt care…. I cant allow myself into your world anymore. I will forget you. I will forget you ever existed love. I will not remember your face, your touch, your smell. The way you smiled. How I loved your laugh and could still hear it even after a year of not seeing you. Your presence. Everything about you. I will forget. If I see you I will pass on by. Like a stranger. You have broken me…. You have destroyed this girls spirit and emotions… I blame myself partly… as you put it I’m a fucking retard… especially when it comes to you. I choose to stay numb though… I choose to cut myself off from feeling. Because I started to feel again with you these past couple weeks and you vanished on me again. So to save myself… to save my life… I remain detached. Because if I felt everything I was feeling… there would be blood trickling down my walls.

These empty eyes see nothing but ghosts in a cold cruel world.

I dont know if I trust why you are calling.

I kind of wish I could just Not answer the phone… but for some reason whenever you are around I go on a suicide mission, uncaring of what happens to myself in the end. You leave me restless.

I’m still… VERY hurt…. very very hurt… and I dont honestly know if I’ll ever get over it. I dont want to be friends, and Ive told you that, but I hope you really understand that. We will never be friends, we will never be the type of ex’s that call eachother to catch up on old times and see whats new. That is not us. That is not me. Not with you anyhow. It just hurts too much….. And I’m still angry. I’m sorry but yes, I am.

Gah!!! Why cant I just leave it alone… I dont get it.

Skillet on the stove
It’s such a temptation
Maybe this will be the lucky time
I wont get burned

What the fuck am I thinking

I still dont think you get what you do to me when you call like this. You’re not even fully interested in working it out, you are just calling to call it seems. Sigh.

I go back to what Ive said a million times before.

I’m done with love. It has only ever fucked me over. I yearn for it… I yearn for you… but your touch burns me, and baby… I still have marks.

I feel gross, huge, sick…. unkempt.

God, Ive let myself go. And I HATE it.

I’m about to go work my ass off right now for about 3 or so hours, burn off as many calories as I can. Probably about 1000. I hate the way I look and the way I feel because of how I look.

I need to lose weight, start tanning again, and really start taking care of my appearance more… I Need to be beautiful… I Need it.

I need to visually stimulating to everyones eyes. Its so pitiful. It really really is. But its all I have. My beauty, its what I rely on, its what I live off, its how I survive.

beauty over wisdom
to fit in with their styles
her Cinderella storys for a price
vanity’s a business built to please the unique
silicone and stars collide
the rest will fall in line

visually she’s stimulating to their eyes
her Cinderella syndrome’s full of lies
her insecurities are concealed by pride
pretty soon her ego will kill whats left inside

What Goes Around, Always Comes Around.

Karma, its whats for dinner.

eat it slut.

fuck me like you hate me.

use me

emotionless

raw

abrasive

break me

let me fuck you like i hate you

scratch my nails down your back

find me faithless

impassive

escape

let me escape through you

fuck me like you hate me.

i promise you cant break me

anymore than ive already been broken

push my limits

find my wall

tear it down

make me come undone

….

[ its alright, accidents happen ]