Helpless.

Wow… Seeing you like that. Freaked me the fuck out. I hated to leave. But hopefully…. Hopefully by the time I get back things will be different. You need to snap out of it yknow. Cuz you have too many people pulling for you. I can see little pieces of you come through it, but then it just gets clouded over by what I dont know. I’m just hoping that this is a temporary thing. Aftermath affect from the last 2 weeks. But I wont leave no matter what, as long as you want me to stay I will stay. Cuz I am like that

We will see where This is headed……

…. I’m being really hopeful…. and putting it out there…. and I really sincerely hope this is not a mistake.

But depending…. a lot of things could be changing.

………. And I do believe, for the better.

How long has it been since I was Truly happy…. not just Searching for the feeling….. A very very long time. And I only realized that now.

Dont make me regret doing this.

God damnit….

This is what I was fucking afraid of… the moment I let go… the moment I start to look over the edge…. FUCK.

I need you to get better. I’m losing sleep again…. And I just… Sigh

you have opened things in me i never thought i could find again. and even though they are a very big work in progress…. i at least know they are there.

and you were right all along… and so were they…. i was just too afraid to admit it to myself.

and admitting to myself, even in this secret hollow where no one can find it… is still scary. because its like once i put it into words, i cant take it back.

i suppose i could just go back and delete them off the page, but i still wrote them. whether i delete them or not, they were once there. and deleting them cant erase That. but i dont want to erase it… i want them there. i just hope that im not making a mistake.

be different.

and prove me wrong.

for the first time in my life.

Okay, so I actually have the time and energy to write at this moment. I did write a little bit earlier about how I was feeling but… I dont think I explained anything all that well hee hee…. I have a habit of doing that when I’m rushed. But I have 3 hours before my next class… granted a little bit of French homework to finish up, and a 5 page essay to refine by tomorrow, BUT…. I think I can manage

So… Not really remember what all I wrote before so I am just going to write whatever I feel like writing… I dont think it will be too tedious since from what I Do remember, it was pretty vague.

Lately I have been focusing on Feelings and Emotions… although I suppose that is what I ALWAYS write about… for the most part anyways. But hey, thats my life. Being Bi Polar/ BPD/ and a Raging Schizophrenic my life is FULL of feelings and emotions… I feel like I’m on a frickin rollercoaster…. But I also feel… at this time anyways, that I guess maybe the rollercoaster has stopped in a way. Its like I was going on and on and on, through loops and diving rapidly downhill and chugging along slowly yet impatiently at the same time uphill. And now. I feel like I’m Almost at a standstill. I say almost because its like I am inbetween hills. You know when you have just come down and you are about to go back up, but if you dont have enough force and power and speed behind you theres no way you can make it up that hill, but you cant go back either, so you are just rocking back and forth. That is how I feel.

Its like, I let my guard down for a minute and coasted down the hill, but now thats it time to commit to going uphill… I have slowed down a bit. Re thought my position. And for a while my mind said, “This is a nice point to dwell at. It is really neither here nor there, but a nice middle ground that we can sit and relax in. No need to hurry along anywhere, there is time, I’d rather just look from a distance what is coming up ahead.” Well… the thing is…. if you do that for too long things start to get tricky. The rocking back and forth becomes a process you have to start to think about. Because if you dont keep up at it, you WILL eventually end up at a standstill… and that is not always a great position to be in. At least from my point of view. So you have to allow yourself to push forward but at the same time you have to keep pulling yourself back. And trying to make it balance out, well lets just say its not that easy. You will always end up pushing too hard, or pulling back too far. And as far as seeing what is coming up ahead… you really cant. Of course you can guess what lays ahead after you finally do muster the courage to move on, but you can never be quite sure. You can never say for positive that “This will happen” and “That wont”. And I suppose maybe, that is what instills the fear to move on, but of course if you keep pulling back it instills the fear that eventually you will grow tired of the constant game you need to keep playing and you will admit defeat, surrender, and forever sit and watch as everyone else passes by you.

So for the moment that is where I lie. A predicament in itself. I have yet to decide which way I would like to go. Both have their pro’s and both have their con’s.

I think, as far as back tracking goes, the pro’s would be that I already know what is behind me. I have been there before, experianced that part of the ride, and therefore there isnt really much to fear from the unknown. Which eases my mind a little bit, because if you think about it there is nothing at risk. But when I think of the con’s…. going backwards may seem better, but not much fun… What is the point of riding this rollercoaster if I choose to just keep riding the same track over and over and over again. For a little while this could be entertaining, but after awhile… things start to get… repetitive to say the least. When you first ride a ride you get the rush, your adrenaline starts pumping with the excitement of what is coming next, your scared but your okay with it. Your stomach flips, your heart starts to flutter like crazy, and your grip tightens at each unexpected turn and loop. You might shut your eyes for a minute or two but sometimes that can make it better. You can enjoy it more because every other sense and feeling is exaggerated. Now if you did that over and over of course you would lose those feelings little by little. Until they would completely stop. No more stomach flips, no more excitement, your adrenaline is gone and your heart has returned to its normal pace, and the rush has vanished.

Going forward is kind of the opposite. Pro’s of course are easy. Its the same as the con’s but reversed. You are nervous but ready to face the fear of what is coming. You heart comes alive again and reminds you what it is like to Really Live. The long distant memory of all these feelings rushes back to you. And again you are fearful, but more so excited. Keeping your eyes closed at first, but slowly peeking through the darkness of them until finally you are able to sit through this wide eyed, bracing yourself for the moment when you finally feel free. Now when I describe this and read it over and really think about it… I have trouble remembering the con’s my mind was so hurriedly placing in me. I guess if you are not ready for all that it can become a disaster. The fear can be overwhelming and at times cause you to become… well for lack of a better term, nauseous and sick in the end.

Its really a guessing game. You cant tell how either option will work out ultimatly in the end. You could end up wishing you had done the other. Or you might find that the one you did choose filled you with not only contentment, because I think that contentment only lasts for so long… It can be compared to, in my mind, the standstill. But anyways, not only contentment, but pure, beyond compare happiness. Well, in some cases, which is what we Hope for, you might even experiance 100% gratication, satisfaction, and become deliriously ecstatic… but that only happens in very rare cases, if any
There is always bad with the good but that is something we come to accept and if the good outweighs the bad… then no harm no foul right?

Wow that was long… I tend to do that sometimes, anyone who knows me knows that when I get going on something I really get going and theres no stopping my mind until I am fully out of things to say… Ha its pretty hard to shut Me up.

Well that is my thoughts for the day, er at least the moment. Something that has been playing in mind for a little while and getting it all down in front of me is something I’m glad I could finally do. I guess what I have learned is, there is no Half commiting in life… You either Do or you Dont.

hmm.

Probably will write more on this later tonight…

….just had to get it out a little at the moment….

….fuck….

…..this has just made me realize some things i suppose i didnt want to….

…they arent Bad things persay….

…………but as far as if they are Good…..

…….that is yet to be determined…..

either way. i will be home this weekend. and we shall see what happens i suppose.

in other news… took my seroquel too late last night, and with that plus stress from yesterday, sleep didnt go so good. so i’m still dealing with the effects from the seroquel… ugh. i hate that, my eyes keep wanting to shut but i have to get up. gotta go to school. already missed one math class this week, and will most likely be missing another….again… depending all on how things pan out the next few days.

*crossing my fingers* for a few things.

yes im a secretive little one arent i

Memories… And Altered Personas.

Wow…. if anything, today has proven to be a Whirlwind of Emotions…..

I started the day off feeling a little contemplative about the last couple months, overthinking (as usual) and back tracking a little…. As Ive said before, my heart… loves to backtrack. And in my English class (GOD I LOVE THAT CLASS, I’ve learned so much about myself already and its only the second week) we talked about memories today. Memories have a lot of different meanings to us and also affect our lives in many different ways. They dont just serve as a photo frozen in our minds. They really affect the way we think, act, things we believe or in some cases dont believe. They can even change our whole beings. They can be Defining moments in our lives, for the good or the bad. Think about it….

I know there have been good memories in my life that still make me happy when I think about them today, even if they occured long ago. I associate certain things with those memories, whether it be something tangiable that was there in the memory that I still hold today, or something else. A song, certain words, certain feelings, smells, sights, etc. I know there is a certain smell, and I really cant quite put my finger on it, but whenever it comes my way I am taken back to a very special certain memory. And it never ceases to amaze me everytime I remember it. Its like I am back in that part of my life again, just for a moment, but I feel like I traveled back and a warm feeling takes over.

But there are also memories… that seem to stop time. It’s almost like when the moment happens, our lives as we know it stop. And yes we go on, life goes on of course. But our lives As We Know It can stop… if that makes any sense to anyone…. I guess what I am trying to say is that we change. And they can alter how we are from that point on, forever. A traumatic event, or memory we have, can really change us… and not in the way that it changes how we think about the event, or how we think about any specific thing I guess, its more that it actually changes us as a whole person.

A certain… memory… in my mind…. brings back extreme pain. And from the point that that memory occured… I feel as if I have been altered. Changed…. My whole person has changed. And there are moments, yes, when the old me has shined through… but they are far and few it seems. I can feel parts of me, trapped, trying to get out of the world this pain has created for me. But at the same time, it seems like a losing battle almost. Which saddens me deeply, since there are certain things about me that I so want to have back. I crave them…. because I remember what it was like to have them. Even though the memories remind me of what having them cost me in the end. And at times I feel… it wasnt worth the price I had to pay. Seeing what was created from that specific moment… that specific memory… I would have to say the price I payed was much too high and definatly unfair. The moment that altered me. Was the moment that cost me the most. Which in a way is funny to me. Since there were more than a million moments leading up to just that one, that were worth much much more to me. It seems like they would have had a higher cost…. like they would have been what was engraved deeply into my mind… my heart. But all those fade away when the end of the road came. Its almost as if they never existed… or that person I was never existed. When I look back I see really nothing…. Nothing beyond that point… the point of no return I suppose. Because if you think about it, sometimes when things happen to us, there Is no returning to whatever preceeded it.

How I wish I could though… and no I dont mean I wish to return to where I was before it… I never wish to be back there again even if I could make it possible with some sort of time machine. Just becasue I Know how that story ends. And it is an ending to a story that I wish not to read again. But I wish I could get that girl back…. the girl that wasnt afraid to feel emotion. The girl who could open herself up. The girl that talked so easily. Because the one who imprinted that memory into my mind… has got nothing to do with what is happening at the moment.

Its almost like being Wounded. And I’m missing myself.

But theres some lines from one of my favorite songs ever.

Let me break down til I force the issue
We miss your face, you know we wish you
Would come back down to the Dalva Bar
And tell them, “Thats just my Battle Scar”
I wanna kiss you
And knock em down like we used
Your a marigold
Til your walking down shaking that ass again
And you walk on, baby walk on, you walk on
Your an angel in the pit with her hands in the air
Yelling I dont care, baby I dont care

But now its fall and your shoulders get tighter
Nervous flicks of your lighter
Boots
Your pissed off poets
Your womens groups
Well the friends with you, they should have known this fool
But I guessed they missed the mark
Still my fingers catch the spark at the thought of touching you
Now your wounded

Let me break down til I force the issue
You never come around and you know we miss you
Well nobody took your pride away
Thats just something people say
Back down the bullies to the back of the bus
Cuz its time for them to be scared of us
Til your yelling out the window
And you rock on, baby rock on, you rock on
Your a summertime hottie with her socks in the air
Your screamin I dont care, baby I dont care

So I am trying to get that part of me back…. I dont know if or when it ever will… Because those memories still haunt me… and I have become someone entirely different and trying to figure out where those parts fit into that is proving to be extremely…. confusing.

And I Havent Felt Alone Since Then

Until The Day I Met You.

I Was Alright On My Own

And Then I Met You.

Dreaming…

So… I think my dreams are trying to tell me something.

I think they are trying to make my worst fear very clear in my head. And its tedious, since it happens every night, and its irritating because waking up shaking and almost in tears isnt ever fun. Sigh. And its making things even harder right now. Its making me want to back away. Because it just brings to surface all the memories of the pain that someone caused me and I hate remembering that. That was not a good time in my life. And its still fresh. The wound has not healed all the way. It has scabbed over but I was never good at letting scabs heal all the way closed. Ive tried to, and I thought I had gotten past this stage… this stage of daunting fear and irrationality. These dreams… they are driving me insane almost… It makes me almost not want to fall asleep. They are so real…. which is what scares me the most. That they could come true. These nightmares… ugh. I hate them. I despise them. Because like I said, they just bring what if reality to my mind over and over again. Always the same…. every night…. I can finally sleep, insomnia no longer a problem thanks to little white pills, but I no longer crave the sleep I once so wanted. Ironic isnt it. So there is a choice, a fork in the road. Choose to stay up all night, suffer from no sleep, dark circles under my eyes, tired, stressed out… or fall asleep, into a world that isnt much unlike my own, but has a much darker tone and outcome…. Which to choose…. I dont know what is worse honestly.

Why cant I just have dreamless sleep…..

Pour Yourself Into Another To Forget The Other

Hey will you stay awhile, my smile will not mislead you.
Cuz I’ve been alone and my faith turned to stone
And theres nothing left for me to believe in…
Close to the pierce, I go wild with fears
Still I let you be and I feel you next to me.

And inside I feel a wind that starts to blow
I’m taken in your undertow
Everything is fine, I’m lonely all the time.

And all I want you to do is be there
For the things that I’m going through
Well is it good for you?
Is it good for you?
Cuz you are the nights when I don’t know where my life should go
Well is it good for you?
Is it good for you?

Hey boy please stay awhile, my smile will not mislead you
Cuz I’ve been without and I go wild with doubt,
I grab at you… I can’t stop grabbing at you

Then I feel him cross my mind in disarray
Intoxicated ricochet
There’s nothing wrong
Just don’t take too long

Cuz all I want to do is be there
For the things that I’m going through
Well is it good for you?
Is it good for you?
Cuz you are the nights when I don’t know where my life should go
Well is it good for you?
Well is it good for you?

Emotions

I find that I truly deeply desire to express them, and feel them, but an overwhelming fear of being over exposed frightens me and holds me back. It’s almost like a gravitational pull where I can get so far away from these fears but as soon as I come back to that invisable barrier the fear pulls me back, sucking me in like a vicious cycle. The longing to open myself up presents itself, comes to the surface, and its as if its a constant battle between being concrete and tied down and being weightless. Free to let go of invisable ropes keeping me here. The wanting, the irrationality in me says to, knows the feeling of feeling and knows it can be amazing. But my overly thoughtful side places a warning sign in me. Reminds me of the last time I let go and got away from that pull…and got lost in the darkness of empty space. Searching for a way back to safer harbours. The pain I felt races back to my heart, forcing it to pump fear into my veins, and chills down my spine. Remembering every part of it, each tear, each cry out, each horrible prick and chip and cut into my heart and soul. All taking away from me. And the anxiety of facing that again… Look before you leap… but Ive looked and the thought of leaping out into the open world scares me and I feel trapped. Wanting so badly to close my eyes and jump full force, knowing what could happen, what might happen, but the thought of it escaping my mind. To just jump with the freedom of the unknown, diving into the swell, feeling every pore open up, every sense and nerve in my body awaken suddenly with a start, a shock to my system, a unprepared for shock, but loving every moment of it. Blissful in a way.

This is what I truly deeply desire for in the depths of my mind where no one can see.

But I can not simply aquire this feeling…. Putting it in words in front of me does not help me realize or achieve it…. words are nothing. And my mind sets in that reality. And my breath inhales a little sharper in that moment. No… I dont think this feeling is something I can allow. And even though I yearn for it, even though I’m at the edge playing a game of risk…. I choose simply to stay where I am. Forever wandering in circles by the edge. Looking over every so often. The light from what is beyond the edge shines in my eyes for a moment, and the warmth of contentment…no happiness, pure happiness flows through my body. But only for a moment. Then assuming the routine I have made for myself, back in the circles I wander.

Make It Count

I think its a big ironic…

…the things you say to me….

I dont want to think about you anymore
And yet… you still message me.

All you wanted was a life full of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. And you always needed to be Something to Someone
And yet… who was the one calling me at 3AM high as a fuckin kite? And who was the one pushing the craziness into my life? Our lives really. And again… Who, pray tell, is the one who needed to shine 24/7? Looking like a failure was Not an option to you. No matter who you left behind.

I still love you
Thats the funniest one…. Stop saying you love me. Every asshole in the world can say they love someone. Those are just words to me. Its what you Do to the people you “love”. Thats all that really matters. And baby… you kill me.

Arent you just a little bit of the pot calling the kettle black?

Well I am So happy for you that you tell me your life is going fabulous. Congrats on the promotion, the moving, the “finding what you truly needed”. I’ve got news for you though. I dont want to talk to you either. I dont want to think about you because it makes me Sick. The Love I had for you isnt for the person you are today. Its for the person I remember. And the feeling is probably mutual but I dont care. Dont try to make my life sound horrible, or make me feel guilty for the life I lead, like I somehow fucked up. Oh and I LOVE the part about you, hmm what did you say…. Knowing it was over but was going to give me another chance after we broke up a few months ago. HA. Your kidding me right? You make me sound so fucking pathetic. Like its You who got to decide whether I got to be with you or not. Like You needed to see if I was good enough, or you needed to keep me on this string In Case you decided to pull me back again. And here I am wondering what the heck is going on, wanting you all along, and not being unsure or doubtful. Pouring my heart into making you happy, trying so hard to fix what you wanted. Well that was then and this is now, and I’m glad you didnt opt to let me grovel at your feet for another chance and bask in your generosity. I wouldnt take that chance with you. Not now, not ever.

So take your best shot at me baby. Make it hurt. Make it really count. Make me cry, make me cringe, make me sick. Stick that knife in my back a little deeper. Your going to want to make it fucking worth it. Because I’m about to stick my foot in your ass and put you in a headlock bitch.

Surprised by how much I dont care anymore. I thought you would be.

I’m not that helpless, pathetic little girl anymore. I’m a heartless girl. And I dont care.