what am i doing wrong. what am i doing right that im not doing enough of.

i just dont understand so many things right now.

first night i could drink in almost 7 weeks so you better believe i went out and had the equivalent to 5 shots. it was like heaven. i remember this feeling and i missed it.

i dont know. i havent written on here in a while and im sure eveyrones wondering what happened to me or maybe not. with the shit i write people probably thought i went and slit my wrists. i wouldnt be surprised if they did. but no i have just been busy. ive been sick, in and out of the hospital blah blah blah same old shit. just got done with a round of endocarditis, or infection in the heart, taken off my IV literally today. and off to the oncologist tomorrow. its like one problem for another. story of my life.

i just started writing again last night and now i feel like i cant stop. i think ive had so much built up lately and i havent had a chance to get it out that now i cant stop. im so…… spiraling. why do i feel this way. the words want to jump out of my mouth, i can feel them in my throat climbing up, choking me, and i cant seem to spit them out from behind my tongue. i am gagging on all these feelings, these intense feelings of all the things lately. its like…. i love this to death but i need a fucking break. i cant get so emtionally attatched. it scares me. things just freak me out and i cant put my finger on it but i need to get it out.

im hating every minute that i dont speak loud.

this lorazepams not working. oh yeah, my pysch is putting me on All sorts of drugs. lamictal, seroquel, neurotin, and now lorazepam. i just took, after i drank all that. your techincally not supposed to but fuck it. i hate feeling this way. just make me not feel anymore.

id pray, but i dont know what to say
ive wounded all my faith
i dont think that they’ll ever listen

shame is running through my veins
just need another little taste
its the devil im kissing

its too late to get saved

how long, are you going to have to go… before you see the miles of mistakes and the waste along these dead end roads and lost highways.

Illusion

I feel suffocated, claustrophobic. Like this world is caving in. Fake and restless, two toned masks. Hidden rats underneath the floorboards. I can smell them under my feet. Trapped. Incased in a glass cage. Its a facade, the beauty my eyes see, made up pretend. All in an attempt to fool me. But it doesnt sit right, my stomach is caught in my throat and I can feel it trickling out. Everything is falling apart. I can see cracks in the walls that arent there, beautiful wallpaper, stained, peeling. Pearly smiles, vacant eyes stare back at me, evil creatures behind my back. Everything is trying too hard. My chest rises and falls as the breath inside me dies to escape. Eyes wide with panic. Invisably chained, as to outfox me. Misleading my freedom. Every sentance, every smile dripping with a double meaning. Mouths drooling as I walk away. The wind whispers into my room at night. Inside the walls, I can hear them speaking, hushed voices, bits and pieces find their way into my ear. My legs ache. They wrestle with eachother to move. Move more than the dwellings of this world. The illusion of something so flawless, paradisiacal, a utopia. A world of misconception. Quarantined. Captive. Nothing is as it seems. Nothing is ever as it seems. One step beyond boundries, always someone there to lead me back. Something festers behind the locked doors. I know it. Waiting for my escape. Quickly now. Smash the pristine glass, climb out through the shards, delicate image shattered, bloody hands crawl through the garden. Exquisite, alluring blossoms transform into hideous weeds, snaking their way to me. Reality mutates the world, and true images come to light. Faster, faster, grasping for my small body, my twig legs running like mad, blood seeps through my doll like identity. My fingers stretch out for any source of freedom, vines whipping behind me, the wind screams in my ears, and hell befalls this world. For one beautiful moment my mouth breathes in the cold crisp air and my tongue tastes wildness, pure, raw, unrestrained feeling as it pours through every ounce of my body. Raging inside, pushing me further. And in one fatal swoop it is ripped from me, dragging me back, dirtying my precious view. All I see is green wrapping every which way around my immature scawny frame. Back through the glass, back to the delusions created to keep me. Keep me for the pleasure of another pretty thing, a decoration to add to the warped scenary. Staring out from the lonely tower I inhibit, perfection at its finest.

Spiraling

I dont know what is going on with me lately, Im not entirely sure how I feel about a lot of things in my life… no lie… I guess a Few Specific things. Its like a seasaw. Sometimes, most times, I feel content, if not happy, but then other times I feel not so great. And I would understand that and wouldnt feel so bad about it if it wasnt such a Bad feeling. Its not like a small bad feeling, its like a feeling of omniscient gloom. I dont know how youd put it really into words I guess. Just a “feeling”. An intuition. That maybe Ive had this feeling before, and I dont like this feeling because I remember what happened when Ive felt this way and well ya.

Im feeling…. feverish. I need to just get out of my own head. Im sure you all have felt that way before. Its like… I can feel myself in my own brain and my hands are pushing against my skull and I want to break it into shards but I cant. And the pressure is building and building and its like a fucking cage, inside myself.

Consequence. There are consequences for everything. The definition of Consequence is something that logically or naturally follows from an action or condition. The relation of a result to its cause. A logical conclusion or inference. I dont necessarily see that word as a bad thing. Not all consequences are bad, if you look at the definition. Often we define it as being a bad result of an action or situation. But its not really, its just the aftermath, or by-product. Some are good, some are worth it you might say. Some you forsee, and others you definatly don’t. The ones you dont can at times be the most detrimental to us… but sometimes even the ones we do see are so self sacrificing and destructive. And we dont care at the moment. We are so caught up in the passion and excitement of it all. Or the feeling, the rush of this ecstasy. Its like taking a drug. We become addicted to it. The situation at hand, we need it more and more and need more Of it. It becomes like a sick little game we play with ourself. We know it cant end well, we know that this is only going to fuck us up even more than we already are in the end, but we dont care, because in the moment we are free, we are golden, we are careless. And to feel like that, is a feeling we dont ever want to let go of. Especially those of us who are already fucked in the head. And in time even the game becomes warmth in our veins. Because that is what we are. Game players. We know the game, we know it well, probably better than most, and usually better than those who play it with us. So in the end I pose this question. Are others really hurting us…. or are We just hurting ourselves. I hate to say it, but speaking for myself I can answer that question with no hesitation. I am a full blown emotional masochist. I want the pain, I need it, I live for it. Its so sick and twisted but that is my world, that is what I am used to. So I keep coming back for more. And even when the people I surround myself arent trying to hurt me, or dont want to, or dont think they are, it seems that in some way they do. Maybe I am just so vunerable to it that I feel it within the slightest inclination.

What would I rather have. Love or hate. I dont know. I dont think you can have one without the other. Because honestly, how can you hate, really hate, someone you dont have some deep seated feelings for. Hate is such an intense emotion that I really dont think you can hate without love. I hate my dad… but its only because I love him so much. If I didnt then I wouldnt care. The things he does to me, the things he says to me, wouldnt bother me.

I havent drank in 6 weeks. Granted I have been on medication for bacterial endocarditis (oh the joys….) so I cant, but the longer I go the more I itch just for one. I am so envious of everyone else with their clinking glasses and chilled vodka. I stare at the bottles around my room and I swear if I didnt give such a shit about my life, which surprisingly I do, they would be gone by now.

blah. I dont know anymore, its such a clusterfuck.

and ive lost my appetite. which to be 100 percent truthful, I am insatiably happy about. I am pretty sure its because I am slowly upping my meds. but whatever the cause it doesnt really bother me whatsoever. im hoping it keeps up and i can lose these 15 pounds ive been trying to for fricken ever. i long to be down to 105 again.

how can this mean anything to me
if i dont feel a thing at all

yes… i am starting to spiral.

bi polar freak.

choke.

so here i am again, drinking…. sigh… i thought i could be done with this shit. but yet again, im upset, im anxious, im sad, and therefore i run to it. feels so good in my hands, against my mouth, my lips, my tongue… running down my throat, into my belly. feeling it stream through my veins, my body. the numbness takes over. i wish i had pills, no calories there. i feel fat again. if i could just not hang out with anyone for a week i could lose some major weight, but being with people means eating with people and fuck i hate that part. and love, what is love. i cant stand this… this feeling of closeness. it crawls inside my skin and i want nothing more than to be rid of it. it makes me sick, physically ill. i dont want to be vunerable…. i hate that i am. why must i be vunerable. attatched. emotion driven. and i bear no title. so it all means nothing. and it has done me no good in the past to be that way. i have been so betrayed by those feelings, that feeling them again is making me want to vomit my own insides out. get it out.

round and alone i swim, in what i feel is real
bending my every emotion, i fake it all too well.
no memory will rest inside that hate left unspoken
cased inside a small a child, afraid to be broken.

and im choking on all you make me feel

time to get fucked up, ladies and gentlemen.

sometimes its so hard being happy for other people. i just watched 2 of my friends get married, a few are having babies right now, and i just set up my friend with my other friend. i honestly didnt think that last one would bother me at all, i knew theyd get along, i knew itd work out. and yet now that it has its all i can to sit here and not cry.

maybe i do want to love and be loved after all…

underneath this steel force there lies a girl… simply wanting and needing what every other person in the world does as well…

i am human… and i need to be loved.

You know what the problem is with you? Why I dont answer, why I have decided to seriously ignore you from now on. You dont get it. You have no clue what love is, or how to love, or even how to be loved. Love is support… and thats something you dont realize, never have, and I doubt ever will. You want me to fix all these things in my life that you think need to be fixed, and while I may agree with some of those things, you just leave me out here without a paddle in a boat built for two and expect me to solve it all myself. Because its My life, I should be able to do it on My own, its not Your job to fix Me. And you are right… it isnt your job, nor do I want you to, or expect you to. But something I do expect… is your support. Your driving force behind me. So much negativity, so much distance. All I want is to know your behind me. To feel the weight of you behind me, so I know that if I fall… which I do… that I have you to fall back on.

The hugest difference? Thats it. Never have I met anyone who… treats me this way… supports me, is there for me, tells me I Can do this, I Need to do it, and they wont let me lose sight of any of these things I want. They dont do it for me, theres no babying in this process, theres no handholding, or anything like that. Its mere support. Its the little push that I think almost everyone needs. The confidence, that sometimes you cant pull out of yourself. Sometimes you need someone else to remind you that you’re alright, things are alright, and that you Will be okay and Will do this.

I love that some people in my life have offered this to me. Its weird… to feel that feeling. To not be told, you Have to do this, get it right, grow up and do things yourself, and Then… Then I will have you, or accept you. To be accepted for everything I am, and more importantly, everything I’m Not. And the funny thing is… that little bit of confidence that they have bestowed on me, the pushing and the “you can and will do this”, the ” I will always be here to help you remember what your working for “, the ” I’m not going to let you give up “…. have made me go so much farther in the last year than I have in the last 4… or even the last 22 years. So many people have pushed me down, have told me I cant, or I wont, or to figure it out on my own… I didnt know how to do it on my own. Well I guess thats not true. I do know how to, but my confidence is so… small. And having that built up by the greatness of people around me, has done wonders for my motivation to succeed, to strive to get what I want, to make myself better because not only do I know I can be a better person, the people around me know I can and want me to go as far as I can go. And they help make me a better person.

So the drinking has… gotten a little bit out of control again. Ive made some mistakes, had some nights that I wish I didnt remember, and nights that I honestly… dont remember. Sigh…. but I have realized that Ive let it start slipping. AA is where I think I am headed again at the moment. I honestly can admit that yes, I have an issue with alcohol. Once I start, one shot, and thats it, game over. I just cant stop. So it becomes shot, after shot, after shot, after shot….. Until I wake up the next morning feeling like utter shit and wondering what the fuck happened the night before. Hearing stories that are pretty embarrassing to say the least, and feeling guilty for acting that way. I think I was good until things just got too hard to handle again. Not really an excuse, but facts are facts, thats what happened. I just feel so stuck right now, stagnant, like I am not going anywhere in my life at the moment. I had to leave school because of this stupid Heart problem and Cancer bullshit… My job let me go because I was in and out of the hospital so much. So I just started partying away because I had no motivation for much else. But now, with the help of someone, I have a plan B. It really blows, I am not going to lie, that I have to put Diagnostic Ultrasound on the backburner for the moment… I shed a lot of tears when I realized that last week. It really is my dream… Its what I want more than anything right now. To get my AA, to go to SU and get my bachelors, to eat, breathe, sleep, and live Diagnostics. I love it. But this starting and stopping school, being stuck at my parents house who dont want me here, and going around in circles almost, just is making things worse. So, for now, its on the shelf. BUT… I WILL come back to it. Someone has made me realize that, and made certain that it Will happen, no matter what. I will do it someday… hopefully soon. So for now I am starting school to become a Dental Assistant. Its quick, easier, and school is very flexible so if I need to stop for my health I can and will be able to come back exactly where I left off. The job is a really good one too, great pay, flexibility, great health insurance, which is something I definatly can not live without. So I figure, get done with school in 6 months-9 months, get a job where I extern, work for a year and save money so I can move out and make my loan payments. Hopefully by then all this bullshit will be figured out. I am meeting my new oncologist in August and thinking I will schedule my hyseterectomy in late September, early October. 4 weeks recovery for that and back to school to finish up. Sigh… in writing everything seems so easy… but I know better. Writing doesnt mean it will happen that way. I really hope it does though.

Sigh alright, done for now.

Feeling a little better….

Dont ask for an easier life, ask for the strength to get through the one you have

I fall into you….

Something always brings me back to you… and it never takes too long. No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here til the I’m gone. You hold me without touch, you keep me without chains, I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain. You love me because I’m fragile, when I thought all along that I was strong. But you touch me even once and all my fragile strength is gone…. I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on the ground. But you’re neither friend, nor foe, though I cant seem to let you go… The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down, you’re keeping me down… you’re on to me and all over me.

Set me free, leave me be, I dont want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am, and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.

But you’re on to me and all over me. Something always brings me back to you… and it never takes too long.

unhappiness.

i am so incredibaly unhappy…

all i can think about is you, for the past few days. i have left town, i have turned off my phone, havent talked to a soul… i eat, sleep, breathe you. i feel your touch on me, i lay in this bed and feel your body weight in it, i see your eyes, deep and drawing into mine.

the truth is, i could find someone else. there are many men who want me, who have been vying for my affection, proposals right and left… its almost ridiculous. but… i want none of it. i am not in love with any of them, and i couldnt fall in love with them. i feel that in my heart. i could probably love some of them, and do love some of them i guess… but in the way you love someone in your life who has contributed something. but, im not in love with any of them. and im not sure if i will ever feel a love that i did with you with anyone else, no matter how hard i might try. the passion, the intensity, the craving, the want and need for you, the feeling of not being able to breathe without your presence and the experience of my heart being so full it wants to explode when you are around. i still feel it. it lingers in my heart. almost as if my heart doesnt want to forget it, no matter what my mind says otherwise. i shallowly put it out of my mind, but it lingers, and when i least expect it, comes to the surface, boiling over. i feel as if i would do anything, give up anything, just to occupy one sole minute of your day. so you probably wonder why i pushed you away then… because you hurt me so bad sometimes, and in my mind i Know you are no good for me…. not emotionally anyways… but try explaining that to my heart. it doesnt seem to get the message.

you are my mr. big and im your carrie.

and you and i are like the red wall. amazing in theory, full of passion and romance, sparks and intensity. but it never quite seems to work….

and i imagine my new house with that big red wall every day i walk through it. but i know the moment i put up that coat of paint… itd be too much.

how i wish it wouldnt though.

god brian. i miss you more than you will ever ever know. ever. you probably think i dont love you anymore, what with me not answering your calls or texts, but after your little stunt when you pulled away from me yet again, said you had to leave, couldnt bear to hurt me again, i withdrew. the probem isnt that i dont love you, its that i love you way too much i guess. i know you will never read this, i wish i could say it to you, or write you, or something else, but intiating contact seems… stupid now. i feel, like a silly girl. ive picked up the phone to call you a thousand times over the last few days… but for what… all i fear is your rejection again.

but just know that… i dream of you… and only you… my heart aches horribly every day… my tears havent dried up… and how i wish i could just jump on a plane and it would all be amazing.

sigh.

im so unhappy, and i have no idea how to fix it, ive tried over the past year and still… i think i had fooled myself into believing i was happier. because i feel raw, and exposed now, naked to myself. and i see it. unhappiness, written all over my face.

Ode To My True Love.

You do this every fucking time to me… and I just let you. Its my fault, I’m an idiot, I want to believe in you so bad because for some reason you have this hold on my heart. But no more… I cant let you. I’m already at the point where my life is nothing that I want but I try, I try to hold my head up, I try to make the best of it. And you… you come in and you have this radar that knows when I’m doing better and you just have to shit all over me. You say you feel horrible, so unhappy, miserable, to the point where your life means nothing… well maybe no you can get a glimpse into how I feel…. how I have felt for a year…. and you didnt care…. I cant allow myself into your world anymore. I will forget you. I will forget you ever existed love. I will not remember your face, your touch, your smell. The way you smiled. How I loved your laugh and could still hear it even after a year of not seeing you. Your presence. Everything about you. I will forget. If I see you I will pass on by. Like a stranger. You have broken me…. You have destroyed this girls spirit and emotions… I blame myself partly… as you put it I’m a fucking retard… especially when it comes to you. I choose to stay numb though… I choose to cut myself off from feeling. Because I started to feel again with you these past couple weeks and you vanished on me again. So to save myself… to save my life… I remain detached. Because if I felt everything I was feeling… there would be blood trickling down my walls.

These empty eyes see nothing but ghosts in a cold cruel world.

I dont know if I trust why you are calling.

I kind of wish I could just Not answer the phone… but for some reason whenever you are around I go on a suicide mission, uncaring of what happens to myself in the end. You leave me restless.

I’m still… VERY hurt…. very very hurt… and I dont honestly know if I’ll ever get over it. I dont want to be friends, and Ive told you that, but I hope you really understand that. We will never be friends, we will never be the type of ex’s that call eachother to catch up on old times and see whats new. That is not us. That is not me. Not with you anyhow. It just hurts too much….. And I’m still angry. I’m sorry but yes, I am.

Gah!!! Why cant I just leave it alone… I dont get it.

Skillet on the stove
It’s such a temptation
Maybe this will be the lucky time
I wont get burned

What the fuck am I thinking

I still dont think you get what you do to me when you call like this. You’re not even fully interested in working it out, you are just calling to call it seems. Sigh.

I go back to what Ive said a million times before.

I’m done with love. It has only ever fucked me over. I yearn for it… I yearn for you… but your touch burns me, and baby… I still have marks.